My mum & Multiple Sclerosis
Updated: Aug 9, 2018
So anyone who knows me, knows about this massive weight thats been on my shoulders from a young age. Now that weight isn’t anyone's fault, but when you love someone, its just naturally there. I have always been a performer, making silly video's at school and acting in show’s at college I was dancing in productions and I sing a lot as you all know! However part of trying to follow a dream, a career, especially in the entertainment industry, it can be selfish one, You have to constantly think about yourself just to get anywhere. Sometimes though, things mentally hold you back and its not out of choice. My mother has been my number 1 believer and supporter from the start. However everyday, in the back of my head no matter how much I fight it, I would always worry I would lose her as she battles Multiple Sclerosis and has done so everyday for 30 years. I remember my boyfriend and I got to the top of a mountain in The Alps and we ate a hot Pizza. One of the most magical moment's ever and the first thing that entered my head was “Mum will never be able to experience this”. I started to cry. Now unable to move her hands, (I hope that changes as it has before) she lays in hospital unable to talk much, I think about when I was 12 and I watched her sleep all night just to check she was breathing. Maybe I secretly didn't want to do well because I thought I would miss time with her. Now I just want to reach my goals so she can see them happen and be proud.
I want her to see my dreams come true. I also don't know what else I could have done, was I a good enough daughter? Did I help enough? We have had arguments over the years sure , but only because we are so close. It was her and me for years and years! She was my cheerleader. She is my cheerleader. When I was a teenager she put me in a dance class and I was bullied by the students as I would get all the solo's, I got problems from the other kids and the other mums, always complaining about me and saying that I pulled the spotlight away from their kids. They bullied me for being better than then them (sorry but I was better at the time, they were shit) but anyway, she paid for private training so I could really reach my full potential and show the bullies I wasn't going anywhere. That's the type of spirit she taught me, but at the same time her illness made me lose focus in a way as I would lay awake worrying at night. I still lay awake worrying now as any daughter would. I don’t think I would be normal if I didn't. Sometimes when I am having fun, I feel so guilty. I got dealt such a better hand then her. If you have your health, you have everything.
All I know is I would give up a limb to take her hateful illness away. Its chipped away at her, taken her over piece by piece. And when I saw her the other day laying on the hospital bed she said to me “Im so proud of you.” I said why? I haven't done anything mum.” She said, “Yes you have, you live your life to the full everyday and you don't let anyone or anything take it away from you”.
Make sure you spend time with your family as well as aiming for the stars. I love you mum, please get better x